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He Never Hit Me

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In Texas, it is not against the law to verbally or emotionally abuse your spouse.  You can be as “ugly” as you want to be to them.  You can intimidate them, threaten to take away their children and access to money. It comes down to your word against theirs. You can belittle your spouse, by not letting her or him make any decisions concerning children, money or the household. You can prevent your wife from getting a job, you can play mind games, tell her that she is the one that is crazy. And there is nothing the law can do, as long as he doesn’t hit.

This is exactly what happen to me in my first marriage. My ex-husband was very controlling. He exerted his “male privilege” every time he could. But, He Never Hit Me.

We met at college my senior year, don’t ask me what I saw in him, because after all the crap, I couldn’t tell you. We dated for about 2 years, then we moved in together. He was extremely unhappy and he did verbally and emotionally abuse me during this time period, telling me that I was stupid and didn’t know how to handle money. We broke up, I moved out, I started making more money. HA! Imagine that! Then he started creeping around again. I called him on 9/11 because I knew his Dad was an airline pilot and was concerned that he was working that day. Good news, he wasn’t at work that day. That following summer he re-entered the military, washed out the following December and moved into the house that I bought. (Pretty amazing for someone who didn’t know how to handle money. – huh?)

He then proceeded to drink every drop of alcohol in my house. I got pregnant. We got married. (His family was catholic, mine mormon, both of our Moms were horrified, so we got hitched.) I remember sitting on the bathroom floor before leaving to Florida to get married thinking that this was all wrong. Looking back, I should have trusted my instincts. I had friends and co-workers telling me up to the last-minute that just because I was pregnant did not mean that I should get married. I own my own home, I a great paying job, I did not need him unless he wanted to be a father.

When we got to Florida, He made a big deal about the vows. I knew where he was going. I told him flat-out – I will not obey you. He said, well you need to respect me. Looking back – he meant obey. Got hitched, on our wedding nite he got drunk, while I sat there to sick to eat dinner. Got back to Texas and everything got worse….. but HE Never Hit Me.

He was drunk almost all the time, so any hateful thing he said I brushed it off telling myself he was just drunk. Our (My) House was small. There was a living room in the center with the kitchen and all three bedrooms leading off of the living room, no hallways. So to get anywhere one would have to pass through the living room. He would sit on the floor drinking whatever he could afford that night. I would try not to walk by him, I would either stay in the computer room or in the master bedroom. Every time I would walk by him, he would turn to me and say, growling his teeth like a dog (yes I can’t believe it either) and say : “You HATE ME!” I would ignore him. This would escalate over the evenings, finally I say, You are drunk, I will not talk to you. When I was fed up with it, I said, “I am not your Mother.” This just led him to say, You Hate Me just like my Mother.”.

There was other things he did. Whenever he called my work to talk to me, he made a point to ask for his wife. At first, especially the first week after we got married, I thought it was cute. The other women in the office who answered the phone did not because of his tone. But he always referred to me as “His Wife”. One day he came up to the bank because there was some papers he needed to sign because I was refinancing the house. I didn’t get a chance to tell him that we needed to meet at another location(he didn’t have a cell phone) before he left for work. I left notes all over the house instructing him where to go along with a map. Of course he did not see my notes, headed up to the bank where I worked, and asked one of my co-workers, “Where is that stupid bitch?”. It caused a scene, somehow he ended up where he needed to be to sign the documents. I then had to return to work, where my boss told me what he said. He denied everything, I knew he was lying, but what could I do?

Five weeks before my due date, I was sentenced to bed rest. He was out of work again. I was required to be lying down at all times to reduce swelling and to make sure that my blood pressure did not get out of control. Did he do housework? NO. Did he make meals? NO. I would get up to fill up my water mug, waddle back to the couch, get comfortable and he would take my water mug and guzzle all my water. All 32 ounces. I would ask him to go get me more and he would say no, go get yourself.

In the hospital, after my c-section, I was brought my clear fluid dinner. I was so nauseous, that I did not want anything to eat. Just to paint the picture, I was right at 300 lbs and he called me fat all the time. The dinner comes, I didn’t want it. He started to spoon fed it to me, while I was trying to push it away telling him that I didn’t feel good. My mother and his mother kept telling him to stop as he shoved it into my mouth. I ended up throwing up.

Once we were home the verbal abuse picked up. He even started to comment that our daughter had fat legs and is going to fat just like her mom. Once I got back to work, I was contacted by another bank wanting me to interview for a position that had a starting salary double of what I was making. He said no. I could not make more money than him, plus he didn’t like one of the bank officers that I knew there. So, I turned them down for just an interview. But…..He Never Hit Me.

He then started badgering me to give up my Saturdays. I made most of my sales on Saturdays, plus everyone had to pull their fair share. To appease him, I accepted a support role with my bank. It was embarrassing. I went from a top producer to an someone’s assistant because he didn’t want to take care of his child for 5 hours on a Saturday. I would arrange for grandmas as many Saturdays as I could to accommodate him. Even as someone’s assistant, I still made more money than he did. HA!

Then I had to work a Saturday. There was an assignment that needed tending to. I left my child at home with him for 2 hours total. I came home to him drunk, water all over the kitchen floor and my two-year old bawling so hard that she couldn’t breathe. When I walked in he was shaking her with his hands on her shoulders. He saw me, his look was just like deer eyes caught in a headlight. I scooped my child up, went right to her room and barricaded us in. I checked her out to make sure everything was in one piece and calmed her down. I needed her to stop crying. I immediately started looking around thinking about an exit plan. I left my keys in the living room, I could climb out of her window, maybe……..then he left. I changed my clothes and took pictures of the mess, including the gallon of cheap rum that was half-filled. It was December, I will end this after Christmas, I thought.

It was a warm Saturday in December. I was wearing shorts and I was bare footed. He came back. I didn’t question him. He said he rented an apartment and he came back for clothes. I didn’t say anything. I just grabbed my kid, so she could be next to me in case things went south. He went back to his motorcycle and it didn’t start. He came back in. I was holding my child, and he swung. But, He Never Hit Me……..I ducked.

His hand went into the wall behind my head. He punched the wall again. I grabbed my keys and ran bare footed to my car. I was almost on empty. With no phone, no gas and no wallet, I went to the closest house I could have thought of, my mother in-laws. BIG MISTAKE. She allowed me to spend the night, but she said I had to go back to him in the morning to work it out. At that moment, I had an awakening.

This is the only time in my life that I wished I handled it differently. Looking back, I should have went to the police station. Why not? I thought I was not a type of woman who got abused. I didn’t fully understand what abuse was. What I endured during this relationship was abuse.

We are now divorced, he voluntarily terminated his rights to his child and………HE NEVER HIT ME.

My life experience has made me so passionate about issues involving male entitlement and aggression. I felt like I needed to share my story. I did not include every incident. The ones above are just the ones that I have shared because they highlight why we need more understanding and laws to protect victims of all types of abuse. For those who would like to know more about the different types of abuse, here is a link: Power and Control

National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE



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